If ONLY…

I entered my mum’s office to pick up my laptop and just as I was about to leave, my mother sighed and said, “Ngo please sit down, I would love to speak with you.”

I dropped my laptop wondering what the ‘sign’ meant. “Is everything okay mummy?’’ adjusting my chair towards hers.

She picked up the file next to her desk, which I sensed looked familiar, and said, “ I saw this in your room two days ago, why didn’t you tell me?” a drop of tear rolled down her cheeks.

Oh no! Why did this woman go through my things again? I tried so hard hiding my divorce papers from everyone. If I had known I wouldn’t have brought it home with me.

Looking into my mum’s eyes, I could feel how much pain she was having knowing that her only daughter is getting a divorce and not telling her about it.

“what would happen if she knew why it was so? Do I tell her? Should I?” The thoughts kept rolling in.

“Ngo?” — I thought I heard my mother call me. “Yes mummy” I answered faintly.

“Mummy, I am sorry I couldn’t tell you.” “It was all too much and I didn’t want to bother you about it.” “It’s been so hard for you ever since daddy left us.”

I hadn’t even realised that I too started crying — “Looking after Daniel and Chidi alone, I saw how much you suffered.” — I said softly.

Kunle had always been hitting me, even before we got married. I never wanted anyone to know, especially my mother. She was already going through so much as a single mom and I didn’t want to add my own pain. Instead, I wanted to relieve her burden.

I endured Kunle’s beating, hitting and cursing and hoped that one day, he would come to love me and accept me as his wife and mother to our Rose.

It didn’t stop. It became worse, as days, months and years went by and only I knew about it.

One time, he spilled hot water on my legs because I walked into our bedroom and disturbed the romance with his mistress, bimbo.

I got married to you because my mother begged me to, not because I feel anything for you, you ugly thing— he’d often say to me angrily.

You and your wretched family have nothing to offer me. Not even a child! If not because of God I would have ended your miserable life, but I’d leave nature to do her work. It is more painful that way.— he’d say and laugh very often.

It’s been three years since we got married. I endured it all because of Rose. I wanted her to experience both parents’ love and I didn’t want her to go through my life over again.

But I was wrong. Wherever she is, I hope she can forgive me.

Oftentimes, I believe she hears my thoughts.

I miss her so much.

Rose was my precious little thing. Having her in my hands, gave me reasons to keep fighting for both our lives. Her elder brothers couldn’t make it out of my womb.

Five months to Rose’s birth, my doctor advised for an abortion. He said one of us is likely to die, but I struggled as I hoped to have my baby without any complications, even if I knew I had to stop taking my pills. I just couldn’t be barren again.

If only I listened to Dr Kelly.

My addiction got worse and killed my baby, again.

Kunle was right. My life is miserable.

To be continued.